Where are they now?

I won't wax lyrical ad nauseam about how fantastic Perth Rock City was. Partly because that would be arrogant and partly because you all know how fucking awesome it was.

I guess it ended the way it was always going to. Martin Zygote left to join a cult and Wangst McPants jumped on a aeroplane at quite short notice with a brand new face.

Just a word of explanation. I have selected half a dozen of my favourite bits from Perth Rock City and placed them beneath this bit. The full complete and unabridged Perth Rock City is sitting in links along the left of your screen. Scroll down a bit, it goes on for fucking ever. Enjoy. Or hate it. Or close the browser right now. Possibly the most important decision you will make all day.

Australians for Good Looking Politicians

This was written just before the 2004 Federal Election. You remember that one right? Mark Latham got his arse handed to him by John Howard back when John Howard was invincible and was going to be Prime Mister for ever and ever.

Well there is a federal election just around the corner. And to you I say this. Health? Education? Which leader looks like he can lay the most smack down on them terrorists? All this is icing. Fluff even. Totally unimportant in the broader scheme of things. The real issue when you go to the polls on Saturday the 9th of October is who has the most sex appeal. By far the most important thing you can do is to vote for the most rootable candidate.

Lets face it. Australia is going to hell in a hand basket regardless of who you vote for. Lets do it in style. The next time our Prime Minister makes international news for entering into an illegal war lets at least make sure he is a good looking chap. Our current Prime Minister is an old bald man. Peter Costello looks like he is having trouble squeezing out a difficult poo whenever he smiles. The Foreign Minister likes to dress up in drag. His Health Minister has ears like Alfred E Newman. And don't EVEN get me started on the member for Mackellar. Nope there is no doubt at all. Our Government is ugly.

Our Federal Opposition is only slightly better. Mark Latham is kinda good looking in a nerdy intellectual kinda way.... but you just KNOW he is going to grow up to look just like John Howard. Julia Gillard The Opposition Health spokesman is probably one of the few members of parliament fit for the member of your pants. Simon Crean lets the side down a little bit. He is kinda cute. But he has a bad smile and ears that want to jump from his face in protest.

So in what will probably be a series of very offensive posts, I will scour the whole country in search of the best looking wannabe politicians at this coming federal election. I say "probably" because I am not certain if this will be a series of posts. I AM certain it will be very offensive.

Kim Beazley - Brand Current MP: Kim Beazley (Labor)
This is the seat held by the Big Man Bomber Beazley. I am told that in his younger years he was quite the hunk. What happened in the intervening years is a whole lot of deep fried foods and the immutable effects of ageing.
Phillip Edman (Liberal) - Brand Candidate: Phillip Edman (Liberal)
Nice smile. Strong square Jaw. Looks like he could be a bit of a chub monster, but lets face it... the man could be a blimp and still beat the sitting member in this particular area.
Verdict: Sorry Kim. I like you as a human being... but im afraid that Phil is a stronger candidate.

Liberal party: 1 Labor Party: 0

Don Randall - Canning Current MP: Don Randall (Liberal)
Meh. Unremarkable is how I would describe his physical appearance. But if he fucks like he conducts his shady business dealings then the man must be a beast in the bedroom.
Kay Hallahan - Canning.jpg Candidate: Kay Hallahan (Labor)
Bloody hell. The labor party is really struggling here.
Verdict: Another Liberal win. But it's a line ball. Randall sneaks over the line because he is corrupt and stupid. Which is usually sexier than moral and smart.

Liberal party: 2 Labor Party: 0

Graham Edwards - Cowan.jpg Current MP: Graham Edwards (Labor)
Well i dunno. Maybe you have a thing for amputees. .
Luke Simpkins - Cowan Candidate: Luke Simpkins (Liberal)
Receeding hair line is a negative. Still has the use of all of his limbs is a plus.
Verdict: ANOTHER Liberal win. Bloody hell... i think there is a trend emerging here.

Liberal party: 3 Labor Party: 0

Julie Bishop - Curtin Julie Bishop. Where is the Lord Mayor? Current MP: Julie Bishop (Liberal)
Bloody Hell. Our Lord Mayor, that scallywag with a pound of bling bling around his neck, is the lucky dog bedding this fine piece of conservative arse.

Honestly... I swear to god that the only reason she was added to the Outer Ministry as the Minister for Ageing was so that Howard can watch her arse oscillate seductively from side to side as she walks up to the dispatch box once every year when she gets asked a question on the state of old people in this country.

I would crawl across fields of broken glass to get with some of that. And thats even if she wasnt an MP. The fact that she helps to run the country makes me weak at the knees. Excuse me while I download some more Julie Bishop photos for later.
Bill Kruse - Curtin Candidate: Bill Kruse (ALP)
Where was I? Oh yes. Thats right. The seat of Curtin. How fucking hot is Julie bishop?
Verdict: Minister for Ageing, you make me want to grow old.

Liberal party: 4 Labor Party: 0

Geoff Prosser - Forrest Current MP: Geoff Prosser (Liberal)
When the Member for Forrest was in Primary School he got beaten like a red-headed step child every single day of the week. This is both the reason why he is a member of the Liberal Party and also the reason why he is an ugly ugly man. The fact that he is the richest man in Parliament restores to him a modicum of sex-appeal. Remember that Ladies. If you think you can stop yourself from laughing during sexual intercourse this man might buy you very expensive gifts. .
Tresslyn Smith - Forrest Candidate: Tresslyn Smith (ALP)
Meh. You could do worse. She looks kinda hot in a Librarian type way. You know.... where the Librarian takes off her glasses, lets down her hair and reveals hereself to be, although bookish, a real minx in the bedroom. Kinda like that.
Verdict: A Labor win. Although its a close run thing because Mr Moneybags the Member for Forrest is a gold deposit waiting to be dug. .

Liberal party: 4 Labor Party: 1

Carmen Lawrence Current MP: Carmen Lawrence (ALP)
Left wing chicks are hot. Standing up for what you believe in, even though it might destroy your career, is stupid. And hot. The name Carmen is hot. She made someone kill herself and then she lied about it. But... since when do we care about honesty in politics? GO CARMEN!
Carmelo Zagami Candidate: Carmelo Zagami (Liberal)
Dude looks like he stepped straight off the set of The Sopranos. Hey Mister, where has your neck gone to? hahahah, this guy nearly has the same name as Carmen Lawrence.
  • Has a girls name.
  • Doesn't have a neck.
  • Could probably break you like a twig if you piss him off.
These are all black marks against his name.

Verdict: Carmen Lawrence comes out in front. Again, its another close call. Oh and just incidentally, Fremantle is not a City. .

Liberal party: 4 Labor Party: 2

Sharryn Jacksons Current MP: Sharryn Jackson (ALP)
Do you ever get the feeling that the Federal Labor Party are not really that interested in getting back into power? They are sort of like "Yeah getting back into Government would be kinda neat, but we are not sure if we can be bothered doing the hard work and MAKING THE DIFFICULT CHOICES to get there. We are nice and cosy here in perpetual opposition".

I invite you to look at the Member for Hasluck and I rest my case.
Stuart Henry - Hasluck Candidate: Stuart Henry (Liberal)
Henry has that non-threatening "trustworthy old-person" look about him.
Verdict: Liberal win. The current member is, in an age where good looking politicians are so important, a joke. .

Liberal party: 5 Labor Party: 2

Barry Haase Current MP: Barry Haase (Liberal)
Barry looks kinda like I imagine my Dad will look in 10 to 20 years time. Since the template for male sexuality comes from your father, i would say that Barry Haase is a reasonably good looking chap. .
Tom Stephens - Kalgoorlie Candidate: Tom Stephens (ALP)
Lose the hat Tom. We would rather not be reminded of Tim Fischer.
Verdict: Liberal win. .

Liberal party: 6 Labor Party: 2

Mal Washer - Moore Current MP: Mal Washer (Liberal)
Kentucky Fried Chicken anyone? Why do I ask? Oh no reason. Just looking at the big fat head of Mal Washer just suddenly made me think of eating a chicken breast seasoned with 11 different herbs and spices. How weird! Let me look at the photo again... oh god there it goes again!! Suddenly I want to eat some chicken cooked according to a recipe invented by an old man who holds a military title despite never having served in the Army!!! How weird is it how the subconscious works?
Kim Young - Moore Candidate: Kim Young (ALP)
I like these hardened trade unionist types. Also he has cool facial hair. And a full head of hair.
Verdict: Labor win. Unless you like men who look a little bit like Colonel Sanders. Jesus... what a poor foundation for a joke. .

Liberal party: 6 Labor Party: 3

Wilson Tuckey - O'connor Current MP: Wilson Tuckey (Liberal)
Looks kinda like an owl.
Ursula Richards - O'connor Candidate: Ursula Richards (ALP)
Yeah sure, I could go along with that. She looks a tiny little bit like Diana Ross. No wait. She looks like Diana Ross quite a bit. No wait. She looks HEAPS like Diana Ross. No wait. Diana, is that you?
Verdict: Labor win. Old pop stars who are finished with their career in entertainment, are always more then welcome in the Parliament of Australia.

Joy Division need not apply.

Liberal party: 6 Labor Party: 4

Judi Moylan - Pearce Current MP: Judi Moylan (Liberal)
Another Liberal Librarian just waiting to take off her glasses, let down her hair and show me what a bad bad bad satirical webmaster I have been.
David Ritter - pearce Candidate: David Ritter (ALP)
Does this guy remind you of one of the Muppets. Remember Beaker? The Science Muppet? If you have ever thought about sexual intercourse with a muppet then please, seek psychiatric help.
Dominique Lieb Pearce green.jpg Candidate: Dominique Lieb (Greens)
Look. The. Fuck. Out. THIS is what i'm talking about. It would be typical for the greens to be the only political party to hear my call for good looking politicians. This is incredible. This young lady must DEFINITELY be the best looking candidate in the up coming federal election. I dont care if she has a policy of executing stupid young satarists for writing dumb websites..... I have seen enough. Vote Green in Pearce in 2004.

Verdict: Green all the way baby. .

Liberal party:6 Labor Party:4 Green:1

Stephen Smith - Perth Current MP: Stephen Smith (ALP)
Ohhhhhh yeah. Thats where it's at. Stephen Smith looks like he belongs on a day time soapie. Like a long tall glass of water, I could drink him up all day. .
Alexander Lawrence - Perth Candidate: Alexander Lawrance (Liberal)
How did you get your preselection Alex? Did you fellate someone at Liberal HQ?
Verdict: Labor for sure. .

Liberal party:6 Labor Party:5 Green:1

Jann Mcfarlane Current MP: Jann McFarlane (ALP)
Excuse me. Have you seen my friends Hansel and Gretel? I could have sworn they walked right past here, and now I can't find hide nor hair of them. Oh look... what a delightful little house you have! And look! It is made of candy!
Michael Keenan - Stirling Candidate: Michael Keenan (Liberal)
This guy has it in spades. Look at him, with his white teeth and perfect smile.
Verdict: Another Liberal victory. Bonus points to Keenan for not looking like he wants to boil and subsequently eat small children. .

Liberal party:7 Labor Party:5 Green:1

Kim Wilkie - Swan Current MP: Kim Wilkie (ALP)
Yeah, I've actually seen Wilkie in person quite a few times. This photo doesn't do him justice. Imagine he looks hotter then he does in this photo.
Andrew Murfin Candidate: Andrew Peter Murfin (Liberal)
If you're a funny comedian with too much idle time on a Saturday night you find one of the many banners spruicking for this dude and you put a big 'S' in front of the 'Murfin' in "Vote 1 Andrew Peter Murfin".

But i wouldnt know anything about that.

His photo here scares me a little bit.

Verdict: Labor Win. By virtue of the fact that Smurfin' scares me a little bit. .

Liberal party:7 Labor Party:6 Green:1

Dennis Jensen - Tangney Liberal Candidate: Dennis Jensen
He reminds me of an 80's TV Dad.
Gavin Waugh - Tagney Labor Candidate: Gavin Waugh
AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. Well this guy is a little bit.... bahahahahahahahah. Oh Jesus, im sorry. Ill be ok to continue in a second.... AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahah. Excuse me sir i think a caterpillar found its way onto your face.... baaaaaahahahahahhahahahaaaaaa
Verdict: Liberal win. 80's TV Dad beats Caterpillar Head Man. .

Liberal party:8 Labor Party:6 Green:1

So there you have it punters of West Australians. There is a complete list of all the Federal electorates in Western Australia and who you should vote for in each electorate. Consider your vote carefully in the remaining days leading up to the election. Consider, do you want a good looking government wrecking the nation, or an ugly government made up of an assortments of old dickhead conservative intellectuals wrecking the nation. I know which i would prefer. I would rather see a dashing handsome young Prime Minister strutting his stuff on the international stage, charming our allies with his charisma and good looks and striking fear into the hearts of our enemies with his steely determination and hard chiseled body. Or better yet, I want a sexy young Prime Ministerette like Dominique Lieb. Remember Australia. It's YOUR future! The good looking candidate you vote in today, might be the Prime Minister of tommorow. Lets fuck the country in style.

The other sites on the ryanalbrey.com network...

He Wanted to Befoul The Tabouleh. I am pretty sure this cartoon series was intended to be about a young mans life spent making Kebabs. Alas, like everything else here on PRC, it became an escape into a bizzare fantasy featuring members of Steele Family and Abu Ghraib prison.

Wangst McPants Is it really necessary for me to come up with a title here? How about i just call all of these cartoons "Martin and Wangst get up to some crazy hijinks"

A message from Peter Natrass

He Wanted to Befoul the Tabouleh: Episode 7


HWTBTT episode 5

He Wanted to Befoul The Tabouleh. Ep.IV

hwtbtt: episode III

Befoul The Tabouleh: EP II

He Wanted To Befoul The Tabouleh: Pilot Episode

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New Site

Australians for Good Looking Politicians

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Postcards WA Visits Belmont

the Suburb of Fremantle can fuck right off.

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John Butler's Words of Wisdom

There goes any remaining credibility we had left

Visit Canning Vale!

Alan Bond Comix Continued!

Perth Rock City turns 100!

Why I hate the Sun

cheap way of getting more attention

Hot Chicks Dig Dead Pigs (vol 1)

Yaa fucking hooo

Hello From Iraq!!

Yesterday some horses ran very fast

My keyboard's not work. Wangst am sorry. Shall struggle on regardless.

More stuff about Dysfunctional Sperm: When Wangst Annoys People In Emails (Part 2)

More Dysfunctional Sperm: When Wangst Annoys People In Emails (Part 1)

The Prime Minature Visits Perth for Liberal Party WA State Conference.

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